Nine Hours Till Takeoff

As I sit here in the Bay State, silently petrified about the fact that my flight to Kansas City leaves at 6 a.m. from Logan, I can't help but want to talk about the news. So let's do that. But let's not take too long since I need some sleep or I won't be able to walk on to the plane. Someone will have to roll me.

Anyway, if you looked at the front page of today's Register, you saw this story about a Hamden porn store. Now, look, I'm going to be honest with all you folks on the World Wide Web Of Wide Wonders: I'm a 30-year-old heterosexual male who's never really been into porn.

I could count on one hand the amount of "films" I've seen, and I've only gone to one of these stores once: When I was freshman in college I bought someone a, um, "blow-up sheep" for a Secret Santa gift. That's it. That's my experience. And, yeah, I have a sick sense of humor.

With that said, I'm a very liberal guy. If you want to watch porn, have some fun. If you want to build or own a porn store, that's totally cool.

I think it's ridiculous we see so many of these stories about area towns trying to shut down a VIP or whatever. Are people really this lame and hypocritical?

"Oh, all those people who watch porn are sinners." Get a grip, people. If you don't like porn, don't watch it and don't go in the store. I honestly hate folks who want to tell others how to live. I wish I could ban those people from my town. Maybe Attorney General Blumenthal would speak out on my side; he certainly can't let anything go without commenting on it, after all.

As you can see, I could care less about adult stores. Open one up right next to my apartment; I don't care. Yet, I just don't understand these "preview booths." You really need to preview a porn movie? You don't know what's going to be on it?

Let's be clear: These booths are for folks to jack off in. I know that's crude, but why beat around the bush? I'm not a reporter right now; there's no need to be objective. Let's call these things jack-off booths for the rest of this entry. OK?

So while I'm totally cool with adult stores being everywhere, can't we make sure people masturbate in the comfort of their own homes? Is there any reason to have these jack-off booths in a store? It sounds so utterly disgusting. If you paid me to go in one of these places, I would cover myself in Purell or something equivalent.

I've seen "The Squid and the Whale." It wasn't OK for that little kid to whack off in school. You can't go in to Urban Outfitters and whack off. So why is it OK to have these jack-off booths? Or, better yet, why is it OK for this store to have four but not nine or whatever? Are there going to be lines now? Lines to jerk off?

These are the questions we need to ask ourselves. I just don't understand it all. Why is this OK?

And again, I'm the most liberal guy in the world. Yet can someone explain this to me? On the store's Web site, it quotes the First Amendment. I teach a class in the First Amendment, and I've never told the young ones that the Founding Fathers said it was OK to jack off wherever they want. And don't let Adult Video Liquidators fool you: If they didn't know these "preview booths" were really jack-off booths, the Web site wouldn't advertise that these booths were "clean."

Look, let's leave it at this: It's totally cool to masturbate. I'm sure the Founding Fathers did it. Just don't do it in public, OK? And let's not make it OK for others to sit in the back of a store with their pants around their ankles. Deal?