Thursday, November 19, 2009

Get Ready

Hello friends,

I would like to formally announce my candidacy to take over the position currently held by Oprah Winfrey. I will go on yo-yo diets, choose books, give away crap and interview people without faces. I will carry the banner. I will be the greatest talk show host to ever live. I will be an icon to middle-aged women everywhere. If I tell them to jump, they will jump. If I tell them to stand on their heads for 25 minutes, it's a done deal.

Once I get the show rolling along, I will start my own production company called Tap. I will become the publisher of my own lifestyle magazine, P. I will go on vacations with my "friends." I will star in movies directed by famous dudes. I will rename my one-bedroom apartment "The Promised Land." I will befriend Maria Shriver and date Roger Ebert.

I will be everything Oprah is and more. Please, please, please: I beg for your support. You know I will do a wonderful job. I will even let Tom Cruise jump on my couch, even if I secretly wish it was Katie Holmes. The first book that I will choose for book club will be "Everyone Poops."

Thank you for your time and patience. Send all campaign donations to Pat Ferrucci, New Haven Register. I will spend them on beer.

I love you all and, of course, God Bless.

-Patrick Richard Ferrucci


Anonymous said...

I give it a notional O.K.... I'm just a little concerned over how often we're going to have to endure "special musical gues" Carrie Underwood.

I especially look forward to the annual Christmas "My Favorite Things" giveaway show. Audience members will truck away with lots of beer and rice balls. Cool.

Zahra Youssry said...

I viewed your complete profile & I didn't understand: What is your relation with Egypt?! Why did you put the word "Egyptian" in your blog's title?! Can I know, please?

Anonymous said...

Well, it doesn't appear that we'll be getting a new blog before the big day (and by big day, I'm referring of course to "Black Friday Eve").

So - from all your compatriots out here in the blogosphere, here's hoping that you, Little Nicholas and all manner of Ferrucci family members have a gastronomically insane Thanksgiving, fulled with many brewed beverages and tiny orbs of Uncle Ben.

Have a great holiday! -

Anonymous said...

Don't want to appear obsessed?

Why, that's one of the most endearing, seemingly unexplainable aspects of your pathology that we find most endearing!

Anonymous said...

Where are you, man?!
It's been WEEKS!!