I would like to formally announce my candidacy to take over the position currently held by Oprah Winfrey. I will go on yo-yo diets, choose books, give away crap and interview people without faces. I will carry the banner. I will be the greatest talk show host to ever live. I will be an icon to middle-aged women everywhere. If I tell them to jump, they will jump. If I tell them to stand on their heads for 25 minutes, it's a done deal.
Once I get the show rolling along, I will start my own production company called Tap. I will become the publisher of my own lifestyle magazine, P. I will go on vacations with my "friends." I will star in movies directed by famous dudes. I will rename my one-bedroom apartment "The Promised Land." I will befriend Maria Shriver and date Roger Ebert.
I will be everything Oprah is and more. Please, please, please: I beg for your support. You know I will do a wonderful job. I will even let Tom Cruise jump on my couch, even if I secretly wish it was Katie Holmes. The first book that I will choose for book club will be "Everyone Poops."
Thank you for your time and patience. Send all campaign donations to Pat Ferrucci, New Haven Register. I will spend them on beer.
I love you all and, of course, God Bless.
-Patrick Richard Ferrucci