Say It Ain't So, Sammy

Apparently, former baseball slugger Sammy Sosa dreams of being of being the Dominican Michael Jackson ... minus all those pesky pedophile rumors. You see, over the last few days, a photo of Sosa looking awfully white has spread across the Internet, thanks to the technology that the great Al Gore invented at his kitchen table some three decades ago.

Seriously, supposedly Sosa’s going through some “rejuvenation process for his skin.” It’s all the rage amongst women, apparently. Of course, Sammy ain’t a woman. And if this “process” made all women look a cross between Herman Munster and a dude who ate Robert Pattinson, I highly doubt they would, um, continue the process.

So what else is in the news? Apparently Randy Quaid is a wanted man now. The actor supposedly skipped out on a large hotel bill, and now the police are looking to lock up the star of the criminally underrated “Quick Change,” which should have taken home dozens of Oscars. I guess Quaid owes about $10K for the room, which means he must have opened the cashews in the mini-bar.

Speaking of actors that are now criminals, “Friday After Next” actor Katt Williams was arrested for burglary. I would have arrested him after participating in the crime on society that was “Norbit.” Nuff said.

Taylor Swift will be the center of attention come Wednesday, when the Country Music Awards go down. Everyone should be OK with this because I, your trusted columnist, will be doing a diary about the show for the second time ever. Woo hoo.

I can’t find any corroboration for this, but according to my friend Eric Danton’s blog and the Boston Globe, Steven Tyler has quit Aerosmith to focus on ‘brand Tyler.’ I guess both sources got this info from reading Joe Perry’s Twitter updates. I’m not exactly sure what “brand Tyler” is, but I can assure you of one thing: It will include crappy music that nobody cares about. Look, Aerosmith has sucked for years, but they get paid by going out on the road and playing old songs. If Tyler thinks anyone cares about his wrinkled, Botox-ed ass outside of the band setting, he’s going to be really saddened. Him and his scarves and bad singing are in for a rude awakening.

And with that said, I’m in for a rude awakening when I wake up tomorrow and teach after a long game of racquetball. I’m doing that in a second, so goodbye friends.