Saturday, September 16, 2006

Sunday Morning Quarterback

I've decided it's time to share. Why should I get so much insight into the NFL, much more so than anyone else? I can't think of a reason.

Because of a psychic gift, I am able to hear what the coaches are saying about their teams before each weekly games. These head coaches aren't even saying this stuff to other coaches or to the players, but just to themselves. I can hear it, though. This allows me to make great picks each week.

It sounds unbelievable, I know. And it sounds too good to be true, right? But I actually hear all coaches, and there's nothing good about having to hear the inner thoughts of a WNBA coach, believe me.

Anyway, here's the first of a maybe-weekly series I'll appropriately -- and so cleverly -- call Sunday Morning Quarterback. E-mail me or leave a comment and tell me if you want the series to be weekly. The rundown of this week's games:

Bills at Dolphis

Coach Jauron: JP Losman is my quarterback and the 736-year-old Marv Levy is picking my players. How am I supposed to win? When London Fletcher scored that TD on Tom Brady's fumble last week, I almost weeped I was so happy.

Coach Saban: I'm a good coach and all, but I feel so stupid for starting to believe all the media hype about Daunte Culpepper actually being an above-average quarterback. It slipped my mind how awful he was without Randy Moss.

My pick: Dolphins 24-13

Panthers at Vikings

Coach Fox: No more game-planning, I need to go massage Steve Smith's hammy. A little bit of Icy/Hot might do the trick. I wonder if teams will realize how average Jake Delhomme is if Stevie's out much longer. Forget about that, I must go massage.

Coach Childress: I wonder if Andy Reid would be upset if I finally shaved my ridiculous mustache. I'm going to have Brad hand it to Chester even more this week; I hope he holds up. How was I stupid enough to leave a beer near Koren? I'm gonna miss that fast little alcoholic.

My pick: Vikings 21-17

Browns at Bengals

Coach Crennel: I'm a great defensive coach; I don't know much about offense. You can't blame me for only handing off to my 1,200-yard back 11 times, even though I start one of the worst quarterbacks in the league. Don't matter, though. Did you see Kellen dance? He sure looks good.

Coach Lewis: I need to congratulate myself. We beat a decent team badly, and my all-world quartback didn't even play well. Plus, my defense looks damn good all of a sudden. Last year we got lots of turnovers, but gave up a whole lot of yards. We look good, now. We're a good team.

My pick: Bengals 28-10

Lions at Bears

Coach Marinelli: Once we get more discipline, we're going to be good. I had to spank Martz a couple times; he needs discipline, too. They all need discipline. Once we get that, we'll win. If Kitna doesn't learn some discipline soon, I might even play that UConn kid. Oooh, weee, we're going to be a good team once we get some discipline.

Coach Smith: If I played my defense on offense, they might score even more. Rex looks OK, but we have to remember that we scored once on a busted play, once on a fumble recovery and then on a ton of field goals. Detroit's D looked good last week. I hope we can score more this week. I hear that Marinelli instills a lot of discipline, not much more though.

My pick: Chicago 16-10

Texans at Colts

Coach Kubiak: No matter how much we chop block, Dayne ain't gaining any yards. No matter how mediocre the Carr drove last week, we ain't scoring points. Oh, god, we have no chance of winning this game.

Coach Dungy: After the game, maybe I'll take Peyton out for a beer, one of the ones he does commercials for. Does he do commercials for beer? He does so many, I forget. A nice steak would make a great Sunday meal. The quicker we kill them, the quicker that steak and beer will come.

My pick: Colts 34-10

Saints at Packers

Coach Payton: Reggie and Deuce are a pretty good couple. I hear Reggie's even sharing some of the loot he got illegally with Deuce, making him more OK with sharing carries. We looked better than I thought last week, although we did play Channing. Why can't we face him every week?

Coach McCarthy: I'm a bad coach, but I got hired. That's quite amazing. Good stuff. I might not have taken the job if I knew Brett wasn't retiring, though. Man he can throw up those picks. I wish that when the media made excuses for him, they'd do the same for me. You know, I'm a gunslinger coach, just trying to win. I wish I could.

My pick: Saints 24-20

Giants at Eagles

Coach Coughlin: How come LaVar's so bad? I thought we were getting a decent player, didn't think all those blown-coverage and missed-assignment rumors were true. If Eli plays like he did last week, we should win this game, I think. But how come all my teams, always, have so many penalties? Why, oh, why? I make them come to meetings early.

Coach Reid: I don't need TO. Did you see Donte last week? Man, I know he disappeared for games at a time in New Orleans, but I'm starting to think that was because Aaron Brooks is so bad. If my little running backs stay healthy, we can win. Now, let me go groom my stache.

My pick: Eagles 21-20

Raiders at Ravens

Coach Shell: I used to be a great offensive lineman, but it's not my fault I have the worst O-line in football. Right? Why blame me for not giving Randy the ball for first 20 or so minutes of the game? We looked like the worst team in the history of football Monday; we looked totally unorganized and flat-out stupid. Not my fault; I'm only the head coach.

Coach Billick: Damn, I'm a good coach. Did you see my team last week. We shut those pirates out. I had a good gameplan. I'm so good. And now the NFL just wants me to beat the Raiders? The worst defense can make Aaron Brooks look like a Pop Warner quarterback. Look at my defense. And I'm a great coach.

My pick: Ravens 20-3

Bucs at Falcons

Coach Gruden: I was so mad last week. How could we look so bad. I wanted to get madder. I didn't sleep at all this week. I'm going to sick Chris Hovan on Vick. Remember that Domino's commercial? He ran after that pizza like it was his job. I don't care if he ain't that good. I'm going to put a Domino's sticker on Vick's back. That should do it.

Coach Mora: No more telling Michael what to do. I don't care if connects on 10 percent of his passes. I just don't. Let's hope he runs around some more this week. Nobody told me Lelie was this bad. Didn't Denver waste a first-round pick on him? Ah, doesn't matter. Michael couldn't get the ball to him without one bounce, anyway.

My pick: Falcons 20-13

Steelers at Jags

Coach Cowher: I still don't know how to take a risk or use up the clock, but I'm a good coach. We beat those Fins last week, but this could be tougher. Didn't the Jags beat us last year? Hopefully Big Ben plays.

Coach Del Rio: Stop the run, we win the game. Stop the run, we win the game. Stop the run, we win the game. Stop the run, we win the game. Stop the run, we win the game.

My pick: Jags 21-17

Cardinals at Seahawks

Coach Green: We can sure throw the ball around with anybody. We just can't let the defenders get close to Kurt. He needs time to drop three steps, say a prayer and then throw the ball. If he can't pray and the linebacker gets to him first, he'll surely drop the ball. My defense is awful, so let's score.

Coach Holmgren: Man, how did we only score nine points last week? We're supposed to be the best offense in football. Too bad Branch ain't playing. I need a hot dog.

My pick: Seahwaks 35-21

Rams at 49ers

Coach Linehan: I gotta remember to give my kicker a big kiss. We're going to ride his beautiful right leg all the way into the playoffs. It doesn't matter that we can't put the ball into the end zone when we have a kicker booting 12 field goals a week. I love me my kicker.

Coach Nolan: We scored a good amount last week! I thought we'd get 24 all year. Even my quarterback looked OK. I hope it wasn't just because that Cardinals D is so bad. I bet it was though. We did beat the Rams twice last year, though.

My pick: Rams 24-17

Chiefs at Broncos

Coach Edwards: Why are all these people talking about me running a conservative offense? I don't run any offense. People hire me to ruin their offenses. They know Herman hates scoring points. They know Herman can't coach a team to save his life. But I sure do look passionate and scary at press conferences.

Coach Shanahan: I could sign Liberty Bell and make him a 1,000-yard rusher. Bring on Raja Bell and I'll have my blockers doing illegal things and making huge holes. I want all the Bells, that'll prove how much of a genius I am. I do think I have to fire my Plummer, though.

My pick: Broncos 31-10

Patriots at Jets

Coach Belichick: Tom is so beautiful; I could play wide receiver and he'd hit me. Why do I need to spend any money on people to catch the ball? I have Tom. That's all I need.

Coach Mangini: I'm going to teach Bill a lesson: I know his plays; I know his defense; I know how to beat Tom Brady. I'm not his little student. I'm going to prove to the world I'm old enough to be a head coach. Oh yeah, my team isn't that good, though. Can we play the Titans every week?

My pick: Pats 17-3

Titans at Chargers

Coach Fisher: Poop. I thought my team could be OK. I didn't think starting a QB who was sitting by his pool two weeks ago would make a difference. Let me call Vince.

Coach Schottenheimer: I don't need to pass. Why all those people say I'm too conservative? Don't they look at my post-season record? Oh, yeah, it sucks. Doesn't matter. It's not my fault I called 87 running plays in a row last Monday. We won.

My pick: Chargers 20-10

Redskins at Cowboys

Coach Gibbs: I've got a guy named Cooley. Need I say more?

Coach Parcells: Why are people getting all nervous about Drew? He has one of these games every year, actually he has three of these games. He'll be good today. Washington blitzes, but I'm thinking they aren't that good this year. At least that's's what I'm praying.

My pick: Cowboys 17-10.

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