Saturday, September 23, 2006

Sunday Morning Quarterback

Due to many positive e-mails, we'll keep the NFL picks coming. Remember, I have a gift to get inside the heads of coaches, so here's an inside look at these teams. After listening to a lot of internal conversations, I'm able to make my educated picks. So, here we go.

Last week's record: 13-3

Jets at Bills

Coach Mangini: So what if Coach Bill doesn't me like anymore? All I wanted was my head-coaching job. Is that such a bad thing? Not only did he barely say a word to me during our handshake after the game, but he also squeezed really, really hard. It hurt oh so much. But it didn't hurt as much as having Chad get hurt. If he injures his barely together shoulder again, I'm done.

Coach Jauron: I got a defense that just loves getting to the ball. We're going to blitz Chad until he's so scared, he'll wish he was back at Marshall. There won't be any running room either, so much so that by the end, Barlow will be calling me Hitler. I wish I had a mustache. I wonder if my offense will score.

My pick: Bills 17-13

Green Bay at Detroit

Coach McCarthy: You see Favre throw the ball around last week? That's the QB I love. He's a gunslinger out there. He's just trying to get us a win, doing whatever he can. He's so old school, sometimes he likes to bang his head on the bench. He was so good when he took all those painkillers, I'm thinking about putting them in his drinks this week. I mean, he's a gunslinger, but he still couldn't beat the bad Saints.

Coach Marinelli: If we had more discipline, we would have won last week. I told Martz to instill more discipline in Roy Williams, make him stop with those guarantees. After the game last week, I spanked Roy 24 times, just so he has more discipline. This week I worked on Kitna. His numbers look OK, but he's been fumbling the ball every time someone breathes on him. I just kept hitting him with a stick this week, yelling, "have some discipline, you little girl." We'll see how it goes.

My pick: Lions 27-17

Jags at Colts

Coach Del Rio: Well, we were underrated going into the season, and now we're incredibly overrated. I'm going to look like a bad coach when we start losing, but I only have a mediocre QB, OK receivers, a fragile running back and a great defense. People forget we looked OK last year until the Patriots battered us until we cowered in the corner. Now we get Peyton? Those Colts were looking to score when they were up 30 last week. They show no mercy. I hope they don't batter us.

Coach Dungy: I wonder where we should eat after the game. I mean, my defense looks like it's getting better, but it won't have to be great against these guys. And then there's Peyton. He's so good. When I was in Tampa, I had Shawn King, man. Now I go to sleep with a smile on my face, thinking of beautiful Peyton, gyrating at the line of scrimmage and calling those oh-so-pretty plays. He's my hero.

My pick: Colts 27-6

Titans at Dolphins

Coach Fischer: That Billy Volek, he's ruining our season. He threw us right under that bus. I was driving along peacefully, and then that Volek got in front of my car, pulled me out of the window and then threw me under the short bus. I'm going to ride this excuse out. Man, oh man, we suck. But this year's all Billy's fault. Little Billy ruined my season. He's made Kerry Collins bad, made my running backs look awful.

Coach Saban: Oh, my god. What did I do to deserve this? Why oh why was I fooled by Daunte? He is so bad. I'm sick of all those people who say he's just recovering; he's just bad. Take away a great Randy Moss and Daunte is a pile of garbage on the football field. Maybe next week I'm going to take a wrench to his knee myself. I can't believe I think Joey Harrington would help me more right now.

My pick: Dolphins 17-10

Bears at Vikings

Coach Smith: If I actually have an offense, I am in some good shape. I know my defense is good, but you add an offense that can score even two touchdowns a week, I'm winning some coach of the year awards. And how about my man Desmond Clark? I found a top-five tight end. Who knows where? And even if Rex gets hurt -- which will probably happen -- I got Griese, who's good as long as he's not drinking again.

Coach Childress: My mustache looks even better when we're 2-0. I like to comb it with this little brush Brad Johnson gave me during the preseason. He gave it to me in this nice little box, with a cute red bow. And now my stache looks so thick and full. When I wear my purple hat, I swear the whole crowd thinks I'm Brad Pitt with a delicious, full stache, though. I wonder if I can distract the Bears' D with the facial hair.

My pick: Bears 24-10

Bengals at Steelers

Coach Lewis: Where you been Kimo? We've been waiting for you for so long. That coach of yours told you to hurt my Carson, my valuable, valuable Carson. We're coming for you Kimo. We're coming for you.

Coach Cowher: We're the champions. We're the champions. Remember that when people rightly question my conservative play-calling. Remember that when people rightly say Ben can't win games for us, just manage them, that he can only play from ahead. If he throws more than 30 times, we lose. Don't believe all the hype. I've gotta remember to tell Kimo to remember our little secret. Go get him Kimo.

My pick: Bengals 28-13

Panthers at Bucs

Coach Fox: I just got so sick of everyone saying we're going to win the Super Bowl. They say it every damn year. I want people to stop it, so I had to improvise. I threw that game last week, much to the delight of everyone but the Bears. I want our team to start in the hole; it'll make us more hungry. I don't get why everyone keeps saying it was such a stupid move. Don't they understand my genius? Everyone says I'm such a great coach. Well, trust me.

Coach Gruden: I am so mad. I didn't sleep at all last week. Every time my body wanted to shut down, I put another needle into my stomach. I hate losing. I'm getting more mad just thinking about this stuff. We're playing like poop, and I HATE poop. I'm going to get that Simms kid and beat him like the punk he is. I'm so mad. I just threw up.

My pick: Panthers 17-7

Redskins at Texans

Coach Gibbs: In NASCAR, I could just buy a better engine and the dog-gone car would purr all the way around the track. When I sneak into the trainer's room and try to give Brunell a new engine, he calls me bad names. Why doesn't Portis wear one of those costumes again? You know which one I want to him to wear? The "Clinton Portis of 2005" costume. I wish Brunell wore costumes, too.

Coach Kubiak: Everyone keeps saying David Carr looks OK. Are they watching what I'm watching? He drops back to pass, counts to 30 and then, if nobody's sacked him, he throws the ball to the open receiver. That's all well and good, but my daughter could sack him. No doubt about it.

My pick: Skins 21-17

Ravens at Browns

Coach Billick: I sure am a genius. But, I have to enjoy it now. This is the last week for celebration. All those TV personalities must be drinking the beer during games, especially Shannon Sharpe. They all keep saying how good of an offense we have all of a sudden. Yet a fourth-grader could watch our games and tell that our QB should have retired four years ago. He stinks, and any time anyone touches him, he fumbles the ball. We'll lose our next game, but for this week, people will think it's amazing that we were able to beat the awful Bucs, the more than pathetic Raiders and, now, the hapless Browns.

Coach Crennel: I don't know much about offense, but I guess I should make Kellen my offensive coordinator. He makes some good points. We have an awful team. Why are we not trying to win when we might get five wins this season, if we're lucky? Our QB is awful. Maybe we should let Kellen QB, and the we'll see him dance more. Oh, that sweet dancing.

My pick: Ravens 20-6

Rams at Cardinals

Coach Linehan: Just when I had everybody on the bandwagon, I had to go and lose to the 49ers. I would have been the next great coach if I could have just got a win last week. I would have grown a mustache, gained 80 pounds and been called "the next Andy Reid." Why oh why could that not have happened? All Bulger had to do was throw a couple TD passes. It should have been easy. Now we have to face an overrated Cardinals team to see who gets to go 8-8 and come in second in the division.

Coach Green: I thought Edge would be good away from the Colts. So far he's been OK, but not great. I wonder if it's because our offensive line is awful, or because Edge was overrated since he played in a passing offense that was so good, defenses made him beat them. Or maybe all those gold teeth are slowing him down. Never trust a man with gold teeth. But, Kurt assured me he's prayed a lot this week and that god loves him the most, more than he loves those Rams. I sleep easy knowing that.

My pick: Cardinals 34-21

Eagles at 49ers

Coach Reid: For a game and a half, broadcasters lusted after us and kept calling us a team to beat. That made me so mad, I had to remind everyone why we lost all those NFC championship games in a row: I play way too conservatively and have no real running back when I'm too afraid to throw the ball. All my little speedy backs can't run up the middle and that scares me. Does anybody have any cookies?

Coach Nolan: We know we ain't making the playoffs, but our goal is to ruin every parlay played. I think this week we'll almost beat the Eagles and keep it low scoring, ruining both the spread and the over. I love to mess with the gamblers. It makes me giddy.

My pick: Eagles 13-10

Giants at Seahawks

Coach Coughlin: So close to being 0-2, yet Eli throws up that awful, awful wounded duck and Plaxico comes up with it. We win, we win. Everyone says Eli shouldn't throw off his back foot, yet then they celebrate him for doing it when it works. Well, it only works half the time. I better call a meeting, and everyone better be 15 minutes early. I have to remind everyone that last year we had 458 false starts against Seattle and 43 missed field goals. I need a meeting.

Coach Holmgren: I'm giving our fans another game ball after this one. The Giants already commit tons of penalties, we'll make them have more. Last year they played us tough, but that's when they could get to the quarterback. That ain't happening now. The Giants will jump offside and Matt will beat his brother's team again while that woman from "The View" and "Survivor" cries on the sideline.

My pick: Hawks 31-17

Broncos at Patriots

Coach Shanahan: All these calls for Cutler, doesn't anybody realize I was playing conservative last week? Why try to score? We were facing Herm Edwards' team. If they score, he spanks them on the sidelines. He gets all mad and curses the world when his offense scores. Why do I need to try and score? Just win, baby. I learned that from Al Davis.

Coach Belichick: We don't care that we're not getting any respect. ESPN has us as 10th in its Power Rankings, after mediocre 1-1 teams like the Steelers and 2-0 teams who've beat nobody like the Ravens. Sports Illustrated put us as 12th in its, after 1-1 teams like the Giants and Steelers. I hate everyone. Nobody likes me, not even my team. But I don't care. It makes me happy.

My pick: Patriots 27-10

Falcons at Saints

Coach Mora: We've decided the hell with "normal." We don't need to throw the ball. We're gonna run the damn option and we're going to like it. Just try to stop us. Of course, we are doing it with tiny, tiny Vick and Dunn and one big hit will ruin everything, but who cares? We're done being normal. Who needs a QB that can actually throw when you can rush for 300 yards a week?

Coach Payton: We're going to win this for city. Sure, our D is bad, but people are underestimating us. Our QB is great despite that weird mole, both our running backs are very good, even if Deuce has never seen a cheeseburger he didn't want. Joe Horn used that cellphone a couple years back. Remember that? He's good. We're going to score in this game. I'll bet Brees' mole on it.

My pick: Saints 24-17

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