Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Funny Headlines

A couple observations from the AP wire:

"Author Danielle Steele writes to 'give people hope'"
Um, does she write to give people hope that they can become a decent looking, middle-aged woman who finds a Greek prince to have sensual romantic trysts on beaches with? I mean, if that's the case, then this headline is right on.

"Attorney: Lohan on track with sentence compliance"
So Lindsay Lohan is doing a good job not drinking and driving anymore? Wow, she deserves some kind of medal. What a role model this young lady is turning out to be here in 2008. If she can just avoid showing paparazzi her uncovered crotch, well, she'll be America's favorite daughter by the end of the year.

"Barenaked Ladies singer arrested on drug charges"
Wait, are you trying to tell me that a rock singer might like to indulge in a little cocaine with two women? I don't believe you. Steven Page makes fun and wholesome music; he would never like drugs and young ladies. No damn way.

"Boy Band promoter ordered to repay victims $300M"
Is that how much they're valuing Lance Bass' career at these days?

"Katie Holmes goes back to TV roots on 'Eli Stone'"
You know, this is why so many mistrust the media. Everyone knows Katie Holmes was abducted by aliens. And, come on, there's no such television show as "Eli Stone."

"'Star Wars' video game bridges gap between films"
You know what else it bridges the gap between? The gap between when some 30-year-old male comes home from his job at some computer company and parks himself in his parents' basement, and when he goes to bed.

"Andy Dick jailed in SoCal on drug, sex allegations"
Andy Dick? Drugs? Sex allegations with a young lady? I don't believe this at all. I mean, shouldn't Andy have been in jail a decade or ago? And, oh yeah, why he still considered a celebrity? What's Richard Moll doing these days?


Anonymous said...

If the story about Andy Dick doesn't totally creep you out, try this one on for size, courtesy of our friends at the Associated Press...

Afraid of laundry? You will be after reading this

GORHAM, Maine - Mara Ranger will be a little paranoid doing laundry now. When she was removing clothes from the washing machine at her Maine farmhouse Wednesday, the clothes moved. She told WMTW-TV, "I jumped back" and saw a snake. She quickly shut the lid and called for help.

Maine Animal Damage Control operator Richard Burton reached into the machine and pulled and pulled — all 8 feet of a reticulated python.

Burton guesses the snake got into Ranger's washing machine through water pipes. The snake's future home will be York Animal Kingdom in York.

Ranger is going to start looking into every corner of her washing machine. She says, "I'm going to be looking in the tub first — before and after, maybe even during, the rinse cycle."

Anonymous said...

Hey Pat - exactly where did the esteemed Register hide the video this week?

sj said...

all the more reason to not do laundry.

but are reticulated pythons indigenous to the area? how do they end up in suburban plumbing all the time (and by all the time, i mean those occasional wacky news stories like the above)? and aren't there filter caps on your pipes that would PREVENT things bigger than, say an inch in circumference from crawling into your pipes?

if not, there's clearly a marketplace need for such things.