Sunday, October 15, 2006

Sunday Morning Quarterback

Here we go. Every team is at least 25 percent through its schedule and we know a lot about each. I've been largely mediocre at picking the last two weeks, but this week will change that.

Why, you ask? Well, because we're going to rank the teams. And by doing this, we'll know which teams are better than others. So here we go.

Last week's picks: 8-6

Season total: 38-19

32. Raiders
Has anyone seen a worse team, ever? These guys could not win one game and nobody would be surprised. Art Shell and his merry band of former bed-and-breakfast owners can't coach, period. There's a reason he never got another head-coaching job after he got canned by the Raiders the first time. And there's a reason he won't get another one after he gets canned this time.

31. Titans
A couple different teams could go here, but we'll go with the Titans because they sure know how to stomp on their opponents, and the head coach rocks a stache and a mullet. That's hard to do. Vince Young will probably be a good QB some day, but he's not there yet and that's why I think this team deserves to be down here. That and they wear powder-blue uniforms.

30. Texans
David Carr is the greatest QB in NFL. Don't believe me? Check out the QB ratings. OK, OK, I know that if I went to a Texans game and sneezed violently that force alone would sack Davey, but, you know, that's OK. This team deserves to be down here. The NFL makes gazillions of dollars but this team refuses to pay Reggie Bush so it drafts Mario Williams? Yeah, that's what we call stupid.

29. Browns
Romeo, oh, Romeo, why does thou employ such an awful offensive coordinator? Romeo, oh Romeo, why does thou's defense stink even though you ran a great Pats defense? Romeo, oh Romeo, why doesn't thou just let Kellen dance?

28. Lions
This team lacks the discipline that its coach said he would bring. Let's remember Marinelli never was even a coordinator, so the whole thing on him was that he would bring discipline. Where's the whip? The offense looks OK even though Kitna is awful. And speaking of Kitna, he's someone who needs the eyeball test: His numbers don't look bad, but actually watch him play and you quickly realize he's best served as Carson Palmer's backup.

27. Cardinals
I ask you this: If you had to choose between two QBs, one who married a woman who looks like a guy and one who knocked up one hot woman and is also often linked to Paris Hilton, who do you choose? Kurt Warner, of course. He clearly cares about football, not the other stuff. Actually, Matty can hold on to the ball longer, so ...

26. Tampa Bay
Why does every QB that comes out of the MAC look thuggish? Actually, I shouldn't say every one. But Big Ben loves his weird facial hair and now we get Bruce Garbagarbagarbagoo who looks like he should be wrestling, not throwing around the ol' pigskin.

25. Packers
Brett Favre is a gunslinger. Too bad there's no gun powder left. Not only does Brett make awful decisions, but he's also going to kill his wide receivers. All his throws seem to lead the receivers right into defenders. But that's OK. Brett knows how to win. How come he doesn't win, though?

24. 49ers
Second-round talent Alex Smith looks like a decent quarterback and Frank Gore can run like the best of them, even though he occasionally likes to drop the ball. But that Antonio, he's one crazy cat. And you gotta love crazy.

23. Miami
How do you know you're bad? When you're benching your "star" QB for a guy the Detroit media dubbed Joey Blueskies. That's bad. Just playing a guy named Joey is bad. If Harrington wasn't an athlete, do you think he could get away with calling himself Joey, a 28-year-old man. If he wasn't a QB, we'd think he was a pedophile.

22. Steelers
I'm sick of people thinking these guys are just waiting to come on. Well, keep waiting. Big Ben has never been an above-average quarterback, just a mediocre player who could play from ahead. This is why folks are annoying: Peyton isn't a winner, but Big Ben can be absolute garbage in a Super Bowl and his team wins, so he's a winner?

21. Chiefs
A couple weeks ago, in one of his Monday Morning Quarterback columns, Peter King called Herm Edwards a good dresser, said he looked sharp. When Peter Blueskies looks for good things to say about you and settles on your style, and you're a football coach, you know there are some problems. Look up bad coach in the dictionary and, oh my, there's Herm.

20. Bills
Jim Kelly today is better than JP Losman, today.

19. Jets
I was tricked into thinking this team was average, until the Jags beat me over the head with this: Chad can't throw a ball more than five feet. Get the Jets down in a game and you can win easily. Talk about a soft team. You can only dink and dunk so much.

18. Ravens
Say it with me: Steve McNair stinks. He's garbage. Just because he led a game-winning drive against the BROWNS doesn't make him good. Say it again: He stinks. It doesn't matter how good the defense is; Kyle Boller is better than McNair.

17. Vikings
Does Brad Childress scare you? Wait, I know you're scared when you look at him. I mean, does he scare you as a coach? Didn't think so. And Brad Johnson doesn't scare anyone, either, except maybe his mailman.

16. Rams
They can change this ranking with a win today, but it says here that won't happen. There's really not much to say about this team. It's boring. Bring back Mad Mike.

15. Saints
Oh it's a good story and Drew Brees has a killer birthmark, but I just don't think this team should be mentioned as an elite team. Let's put it this way: They would be the worst team in the NFC East, by far.

14. Redskins
Joe Gibbs better start thinking about NASCAR again, because this team is going nowhere fast. All those Super Bowl aspirations. I can just see Skins' fans crying when they finally give up hope. When will that will happen? When someone catches Mark Brunell cashing his Social Security check ... next week.

13. Bengals
The media so wants this team to be good, but it's the epitome of a soft team. It can't stop the run. And, cover your ears if you don't want the truth: Carson looks very mediocre this year. This is the first team on this list that could surprise me and become really good, really quickly, though.

12. Giants
At first, this ranking seems a little low for the G-Men, but could they beat anybody above them on a neutral field? I say no. Unless they start pressuring the QB, this team will end up in third place in the NFC East, with a beautiful 8-8 record.

11. Falcons
This is the same story every year: Falcons look OK, but can't beat really good teams. Mike Vick couldn't hit a 10-yard pass to save his life. That's it.

10. Panthers
How Steve Smith isn't in the early MVP talk I have no idea. This is a totally different team with him. The kind of team that can mask Jake's mediocrity.

9. Seahawks
They might be better than this, but how can we know that when they refuse to play well? They killed the Giants, then got dismantled by the Bears. Check back in a couple weeks when we'll really know how good the Hawks are, when Alexander is back.

8. Cowboys
For all the hoopla around the Cowboys, if Drew Bledsoe doesn't have a couple awful moments, this team is 4-0. They were dominated by the Eagles, but only barely lost. They dominated the Jags, then barely lost. This is a good team that is just going to get better. And yes, I have a man-crush on Drew Bledsoe: He saved the Patriots, made them relevant ... and helped me sneak into an R-rated movie 13 years ago (true story).

7. Jaguars
This team isn't much different than it was last year. It has a great defense and it'll win 11 games. The media will talk about how good they are and then the playoffs will start and some team like the Patriots will absolutely kill them.

6. Eagles
You wonder how Donovan's team can be this low? Well, simple, they barely beat the Cowboys who played about as awful as a team can play, offensively. And, more importantly, they couldn't beat the teams ahead of them.

5. Colts
Until this team can stop the run, it'll be down here, even if it doesn't lose. They sorely miss Corey Simon's impressive girth. What they have proven is that they don't need Edge and his gold teeth.

4. Patriots
They've been this good and Tom Brady is throwing to receivers who might as well be me. Once they get into the groove a bit more, with Mauroney and Dillon, woo-weee, this team will be great again. Or they won't be.

3. Chargers
If Marty wasn't the coach, they would be number two. Nuff said.

2. Broncos
With a coach who looks so mean, how could they not be good? This defense looks good. If only Jake the Snake wasn't the QB.

1. Bears
Can't argue with this. And I can't wait for them to play the Pats. Can't wait.

Falcons 31-21
Cowboys 34-10
Lions 17-7
Seahawks 27-13
Eagles 28-13
Bucs 24-20
Redskins 28-0
Panthers 17-13
Dolphins 13-10
Chiefs 21-10
Chargers 31-10
Broncos 27-3
Bears 35-3

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